Farewell maternity leave

So this is it, I’ve faced the final curtain of maternity leave. Four little days to go before I embrace the world of work once more. 

If you’d have asked me six months ago, three months, perhaps even in February I would’ve let out a few little sobs and ventured back into the land of denial, but last week nearly broke me. The kids were tag-teaming a series of general baby/toddler shite to see how far they could go and it broke through that wall labelled “return to work”. I should be grateful to them as now I’m actually quite excited.

Reason 1: I will get a lunch break. Yes sireee, the conditions back in a general office mean after six hours I have that right. Here, in the world of full time mumming, I am lucky if I inhale lunch and reach the minimum required amount of liquid to push me through the day. Sadly this doesn’t mean fewer calories on my endless diet to shift the baby weight, as general sanity tends to result in gorging on chocolate/crisps/lard in those moments of despair. 

Reason 2: I won’t have to shit harvest (as much). The boy child is averaging five poos a day. FIVE POOS. I mean, how? He may be pushing the extremes of the obsessive-inducing weight charts in that little red book the health visitors throw around, but I’m never convinced he’s eaten anything once a meal time has finished as I wade through the slurry of debris under his high chair. And then when I do shit harvest he flips quicker than an Olympic gymnast and I have to chase him across the lounge to grab his poo-covered bum before it touches anything. Of course, aside from my hands which are then covered in the brown muck before I start over again. Ha ha ha, for three days a week it is not my problem. How I laugh.

Reason 3: Food slurry – see above. 

Reason 4: For some small period through the day I will be able to wear clothes that aren’t covered in faecal matter (love that phrase), milk, food, general child grub and my absolute favourite – snot. Looking down at your shoulder, when you’re out and about, and seeing what those with a filthy mind may assume was the result of a rather fun night, is often a low point of my day.

Reason 5: But hitting the all-time low point pretty much every day is the onslaught of tantrums. “I don’t want to get in my car seat”, “I don’t want to get dressed”, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to…”. Waaaaah. Well you know what, there’s a whole shower of shit I don’t want to do either, but life isn’t like this. And that’s pretty much what I keep telling the first born too. Someone told me three to four is actually worse than two to three. Worse??? If so, I’m going back full time.

Reason 6: I can’t think of a reason six as my brain pretty much doesn’t work since having children. 

So yeah, I’m all ready. Even bought a new pen, as if I’m going back to school after the summer holidays. Actually, that reminds me – mass shopping trip Wednesday with my Mum and I plan to shop – well not long till pay day. Yeeehaaaa.

See you on the other side. And in the meantime prepare for my “I hate working and being a mum” blogpost in the near future.


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