My life as a motivational speaker

What is it about children – and husbands – that makes you become one of those over eager shouty people who work as motivational speakers?

Every bloody morning till the time they’re in bed, I bark orders at my family to encourage them to do stuff so we can get on with the day: “come on kids, let’s get those socks on…hurry hurry hurry with your coats or we won’t get to preschool in time…no shoes on, no soft play centre…up the stairs it’s bath time go go go go…if you don’t get out of bed and help me get the kids dressed, I won’t give you a lift to work”.

Jeeeeesus, it’s draining. Even this morning I had to motivate Mr MotherFudger again because he was refusing to get out of bed for precious moments of duvet time.

I hate being a cliche of a mum, or a woman, but sometimes there I am again doing all those predictable roles that go with the territory – and motivational speaker is in that list.

And the thing that really gets me is that it’s all for stuff I don’t want to do. I don’t want to go and sit in a grubby germ-infested soft play centre while my ears are damaged by the screams of young children. I don’t want to go to a freezing cold play area and watch the clothes I’ve washed get covered in mud. And I don’t want to drive the extra miles to drop off or pick up Mr MotherFudger.

Maybe I’m not embracing the full spectrum of motivational speaking tools? Perhaps if I got one of those totally pointless pens that shines a red dot on the back door I’d have more chance of getting the kids to go out of it? Or maybe if I made a Powerpoint of benefits of getting a lift to work Mr MF would jump into action? Perhaps I should embrace branded freebies for the end of each task…well actually that’s basically my ongoing food-based bribes for the children.

Enough of my grumpy January blues. I’m in a stinking mood today. But to cheer myself up I’m used the picture my daughter made of me on the beach a few weeks ago. I think for those who know me you can clearly see it’s me.


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