The tapir willy, my new sandals and the gooseberries

Well it’s been a mixed bag of shizzle happening in my world this week.

Highlight 1: I saw a tapir cock. I joke not:

tapir penis

It was the length of its leg. Took us all by surprise, that and my friend saying “look at the Tapir tripod before us”. Who fucking knew? Obv had to take a picture. Mr MotherFudger had to look it up and apparently they basically use them as an extra limb. Couldn’t stop myself being that immature eight-year-old self and saying to the zoo keeper “wow, we saw the tapir willy”. He said: “I know – lucky tapir ladies hey”.

My friend was mostly obsessed with how long the tapir girl’s bits were.

Highlight 2: lie in. Repeat, lie in. Mr MF came up trumps this weekend, mainly as I pretended I was asleep when the boychild started launching breakables down the stairs, as is his 6am trick after we’ve relented and got him out of the cot. Despite the risk to the children’s safety, we play the ‘who will give in first and get up’ game where we go back to bed in the vague hope of getting a few minutes more rest. Once released from his baby prison cot the boychild largely throws things for attention until something breaks and one of us launches out of bed.

Today AND YESTERDAY I won. Woohoooo. AND I ended up having a siesta (can we say that in Britain?) yesterday. Mr MF is now claiming he’s banked some kind of future nap. Ermm no because he got to go to the allotment yesterday by himself for 4 hours. This ain’t the good life, we aren’t self sufficient. We live in a 1970s build and still have Asda online shops. Clearly it’s a HOBBY. So no, screw his make-believe nap glory.

But credit to him growing these beauties we had for dinner the other night (pretentious moi?):

broad beans

Highlight 3: gooseberries.

There have been thousands at said allotment. The girlchild and I picked some. Well, this is an exaggeration – we all went to the allotment last Sunday as Mr MF naively thinks we’re in an Enid Blyton novel and that it will be magical and wholesome and good for the kids. The reality was that the 31-degree heat was fooling no one and within 2 minutes the boychild pointed towards the car and said “get in, get in, too hot”. So I had to put him in the car with pretty much every emergency snack and form of liquid we had. The girlchild spent all of 43 seconds trying to pick gooseberries before giving up due to the heat and sheer viciousness of the plant. They are brutal though, she did well for 43 seconds.

Both children then stayed in the car during the scorching heat while I picked gooseberries because I had committed (in my head) to making jam. Jam I plan on giving as presents to the girlchild’s preschool teachers as an end of leaving gift. Oh yes – I am so winning that middle-class prize.

Also – to the two walkers who passed by muttering about what I guess was children dying in cars all the doors and windows were open and they were in the shade.

However, I’ve given my mum, mother-in-law and sister jars of the jam and nothing. I was expecting a few little texts or emails of “ooo lovely jam Lucy”. NOTHING. I even prompted my mum who moved quickly over the subject. To be fair she’d had her gallbladder removed and jam was probably not a priority subject for her – but still.

So now, I’m wondering if the jam is utter shite. However, in Chez MotherFudger we’re loving it.


Also – please note, they now have gingham hats and I’ve even bought white plain paper bags. I’m like an Etsy shop.

Highlight 4: catching up with an old friend. Nuff said, was lovely, albeit I had to buy time to talk with handing over the iPad and letting the girlchild go to the room to watch something inappropriate while I put Toy Story 3 on AGAIN for the boychild.

Highlight 5: catching up with one of my besties who lives too far away and who did an amazing thing by having a play she wrote staged in Cambridge. Oh so proud. She’s a total reminder to keep going for your dreams.

Highlight 6: new sandals. Pretty:


Lowlight: Shant dwell on this, but witnessed a really horrible car crash this morning. We were on the way to the zoo and never seen anything like it – a car didn’t slow down at all and ploughed into cars on a roundabout. I felt far more shaken up than I thought I was and it sounds cheesy but made me feel really lioness about my brood and how much they mean to me.

Night night.



4 thoughts on “The tapir willy, my new sandals and the gooseberries

  1. Extremely funny as per usual.

    I must say that you actually did play the Good Life scenario when you bought us the wonderful Gooseberry crumble and the Gooseberry jam was Nana MF’s only meal on the day of her return from gallbladder removal. I have already congratulated you on your delicious minestrone soup. Take carexx

  2. Love it!! I’m getting a date for Cromer zoo in my diary ASAP! !! And looking forward to tasting some jam, if there’s enough to go around. I wondered if it might go with cheese as a sort of relish thing?

  3. That willy is mental!
    I finish work on Monday (FOR A YEAR!!!!) so am planning to make pickled courgette (much nicer than it sounds). Perhaps we can swap jars of preserve before watching countdown xxx

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