26 things that will happen when you visit a museum with children

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We’ve been to the museum again. Well a different one. Not THE museum as if there’s just one in the whole wide world.

Although let’s be honest, they’re always full of similar shit, separated into dead stuffed animals, old paintings and stuff no one cares about but you look at as if someone is going to judge you for ignoring, old bits of animals – like fossils and bones, stuff about knights, and old stuff about the war. Plus the gift shop. Always the gift shop.

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You growl like that tiger my son.

Every single time we go I can almost predict the experience:

  1. Mr MotherFudger and I feel a sense of inner smugness that we’re taking the children somewhere educational. They’re going to learn stuff just through osmosis. Being around all those lovely old things means history, the lessons learnt by our ancestors will automatically be passed on. My job as a parent is practically done.
  2. The immediate location the children want to visit is the gift shop.
  3. Offering the opportunity of using the toilet will be refused.
  4. Your children will literally run past everything they see trying to find…ermm, not really sure.
  5. You will start reading the oh so informative plaques, then give up within seconds because quite honestly this is pointless.
  6. …pointless because you will spend approximately 93% of your visit running after your children as they sprint around the exhibitions. Think Benny Hill sketch.
  7. Adults (who clearly never had children) will look at you with the sounds of tutting going off in their heads.
  8. You’re all thinking how the stuffed animals are clearly the best bit. Natch.
  9. After 10 minutes the visit to the gift shop will have been asked for around 102 times.
  10. Some other grotty child will be hogging the best ‘interactive’ children’s thing to do. Your inner lioness won’t be able to stop slightly hating that child if they don’t let your kids have a go.
  11. Out of politeness you’ll then hardly let your own children have a go because there are others in the queue.
  12. You will feel pissed off about missing out of reading the plaques and properly looking at one of the exhibitions.
  13. Your children will find old stairs more interesting than anything else they’ve seen. WOW OLD STAIRS.
  14. You’ll have a thought that ‘one day, when we’re on our own we’ll come back here and have a proper look’, knowing deep down you never will.
  15. You will sneakily think ‘fuck it’, abandon the troops, and take 5 minutes to look at something. Like. Properly. Look. At. It.
  16. One child will fixate on something and not want to leave, while the other bleats on about how boring that particular bit is.
  17. Your child will need the loo at the worst moment, when you’re a trek up/down 101 stairs and halfway across a castle.
  18. You’ll have an irrational OCD moment wondering whether the ‘dress up clothes’ have ever been cleaned and just hope all that dirt will build your kids’ immunity.
  19. …but at least you’ll get a cute picture of them as a mini queen/knight/Victorian tramp – oh no, you won’t as that one click was when they were running off again/refused to have their picture taken/was too dark and is basically crap.
  20. You will actually look forward to the event finishing and wondering when you can get to the cafe and spend more than your mortgage on a coffee and cakes.
  21. You will curse taking the buggy round as quite frankly, Norman castles were not forward thinking to consider a three-wheeler all-terrain off-roading pushchair. Self fucking Normans.
  22. You will weep tears of joy that you have the buggy when your children take off yet another layer of clothing, and you’re left holding the exceptionally large rucksack you brought with you that includes spare clothes, drinks, snacks, nappies, wipes, plasters, blah blah blah.
  23. You will weep tears of fear when your child picks up something so precious and old, then nearly chucks it down that even the ‘trying to embrace toddlers’ staff weep too. NB: I can only apologise to Time and Tide Museum for the enormous large horn incident. He was just curious. Really.
  24. You will spend more time in the gift shop than the rest of the visit.
  25. You say ‘just one thing, hurry up and choose’ about 55 times while in the gift shop.
  26. You will have a post-museum conversation agreeing how great your museum pass is and how you will obviously be renewing it next year.

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Featured image: the babes sitting on thrones as the king and queen!

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